Christmas is one of the greatest stories of our time, and by that very nature one of the greatest marketing gimmicks ever created – everyone knows that every great advertising campaign has to tell a good story.

It’s a lot easier to do so these days with TV and the Internet and the constant advertising being shoved down our throats reminding us that our friends and family will disown us if we don’t get them a good gift. But what of the time before this media overload? You know, the good ole days?

Turns out those days we’re pretty hilarious, as these not-so-subtle print ads tell the stories below. Cheers!

U.S. Brewer’s Foundation, 1948

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Nothing says getting ready for Christmas then wrapping presents for the kids. And by wrapping presents I mean, kicking back with some ice cold brews and making the ladies do it. I’m sure a few minutes after this snapshot someone’s ass got slapped. Good work girls.

Fleer Double Bubble, 1952

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I’m not sure if the kids these days know what an excuse for “gum” Double Bubble is, but I’m damn sure kids were not getting TOO excited over getting a handful of this shit in their Christmas stocking. The stuff is barely passable on Halloween and is a total fail of a holiday candy. If little Johnny ends up with a lump of ‘Bubble it’s because he was either bad that year and we needed coal to heat the house or Santa (*ahem* Dad) got laid off and this is all he could afford.

Hoover, 1953

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Pretty obvious what’s going on here. Look at her, she’s in Christmas-present HEAVEN. Laying on the floor reading the note from her man, which likely reads “now get to work”. If men dream about sex all day, then women clearly dream about cleaning the house, and on this particular Christmas morning, dreams are coming true.

Pete Hawley, 1948

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I don’t know why I like this ad so much, or why it has to be so damn scandalous. I’m not even sure what it’s for. All I know is that, this isn’t a lovely couple enjoying a romantic kiss under the mistletoe. No, they are pulling the shades down folks, wishing you a “merry christmas” that reads more like, “go away we have to go f$%# now”.

U.S. Brewers Foundation, 1954

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There’s nothing wrong with this ad really, I just love the idea of my grandparents getting bent on the holidays. Again clearly the men get to dick-around, most likely talking shit about all the people who sent them Christmas cards. “Look at John’s stupid kids, what an asshat” the one guy is probably saying. Meanwhile the ladies are again doing what they do best.

Lincoln-Zephyr, 1941

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Many of you know how I strongly I feel about our obsession with cars (and how we use them to give us some sort of social status), and there’s nothing I hate more then seeing luxury auto ads during the holidays. Seriously who the hell gets a NEW CAR for Christmas? I dunno, maybe the day I strike it rich I’ll start buying people cars to make up for something really shitty I did to them in the past. Anywho, the not-so-wholesome past wasn’t any different, and here Santa is either dropping a brand new Lincoln off for some brat or is trading in the reindeer and sleigh for a V12.

Jos. Schlitz Brewing Co., 1956

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When most of us think of Schlitz, we think of getting trashed off of shitty malt liqour, paper bag in hand, posted up on a stoop somewhere. What you don’t think about is a merry Christmas with the old lady. Just a little “light” refreshment before heading over to see the family. I bet she’s laughing because that box she’s holding is empty, so funny after your 6th Schlitz!

Kentucky Club, 1953

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I can’t remember a time when I ever thought about giving anyone the present of pipe tobacco, let alone ALL the men on my Christmas list. A different time I suppose. When are the hipsters going to bring this back?

Cadillac, 1955

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Another classic Christmas car ad. This one SCREAMS “sugar daddy”. Nothing says love during the holidays like keys to the car *ahem* I mean heart.

Camel, 1948

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The greatest Christmas ad of them all – Santa sure as hell was on point this year! Nothing relieves holiday stress more then a smooth Camel cigarette. Especially paired with the holiday booze-fest parties mentioned above. I wouldn’t be surprised to find menthols being marketed as “peppermint” flavor during the holidays if they’re were’nt laws prohibiting their marketing. Happy Holidays!

You can buy most of these as awesome prints over at plan59.com!